Twins Elliot and Lucas adored their grandfather. They did everything together. But this morning, Mathilda received news that Gramps had passed on. With a heavy heart, she knew she would have to tell her 7-year-old sons that their best friend was gone. But how?
Children's perception of death changes as they grow up. When they’re young, it’s difficult for them to fully grasp the inevitability and finality of death.
Much like adults, they react differently to the loss of a loved one. Their age, their closeness to the relative (or pet) and the circumstances of the death are all factors that will influence their grief.
Before talking about grief with them, it's important to determine where they are in their development and level of understanding.
At this stage, children have no actual concept of death. It’s too abstract. Death is most likely perceived as loss or abandonment.
At this stage, children begin to grasp the concept of death. In fact, it might be frightening to them. They find it hard to understand its finality. They tend to still believe that the deceased will eventually come back to life. Since they are unable to grasp the inevitability of death, they often try to find explanations and ask themselves many questions. For example, did the person die to punish me? Mathilda will have to keep this in mind when she talks to Elliott and Lucas.
At this stage, children begin to understand that the deceased will never come back. However, they might wonder why someone so dear to them had to die. Why not someone else?
Teenagers understand the finality of death. They realize that we all have to ‘go’ at some point, they just don’t think it’s going to happen to them—but that's another subject.
Like adults, children grieve in phases. They may, however, find it more difficult to express their feelings. The following reactions are generally observed:
Children need the support of those closest to them. Often, upon seeing their parents’ distress, they will keep their feelings bottled up because they don’t want to be seen as an additional burden.
So, without foregoing her own needs or hiding her emotions, Mathilda must do her best to listen. That way, her sons will open up to her. Here are a few tips:
There's no point in lying to protect your children. They need to know what's going on.
Don’t play down the gravity of the situation to try to soften the blow. Avoid telling them stories and using expressions like ‘a long sleep’ or ‘gone away for a while’. The reason for this is because children take things literally. Also, Elliott and Lucas would be waiting a long time for Gramps to return, which would only postpone the shock and suffering.
Explain that it's normal to grieve and cry when you lose a loved one. Point out that adults cry too. Hugs are good.
Tragedy causes anxiety. Children may begin to fear for their future or feel that they are partly to blame for what happened. They need to be reassured as soon as possible. They must understand that their behaviour has no influence on the death of a loved one.
Drawing, acting, poetry, songwriting: children often express their emotions through creativity. Mathilda must encourage this.
When appropriate, take the children to the funeral home or service. Be sure to explain what will happen though. Talk to them about the:
Once the funeral is over with, resume your normal routine (meals, bedtime, etc.).
Finally, for Mathilda and for her twins, the best thing to do to ease the pain is to continue talking about it. Gramps’ death does not have to be taboo. Mathilda and her sons can honour his memory for as long as they feel the need to.
Sources:
eMentalHealth.ca, Helping Children and Youth With Grief, Bereavement and Loss: Information for Parents and Caregivers (This hyperlink will open in a new tab).
KidsGrief.ca (This hyperlink will open in a new tab).
Naître et Grandir, Helping Children Understand Death (This hyperlink will open in a new tab)., 2018
This article is for information purposes only and is not intended to replace professional advice.
